Inside Out

(I wrote this poem when I was 17. It is my first published piece.)

Inside Out

 

Feeling lonely
Feeling mean
Feeling hard.

Passing cars move,
Exhaust fuem scar my mind.

 
Not night, street lights
Feeling down, dirt in my eyes.

 
What am I doing here?

 
Climb the stairs,
Back into my hollow room,
Locked up
Thrown away
Fallen down
Tomb.

 
Voices outside screaming,
Not saying a word to me.

Voices inside screaming,
“Hey, don’t you hate hearing from me”?

 
Turn around quick,
See if I can see my eyes,
I see the face in the mirror,
Staring back,
Don’t recognize.

 
Looking at my hands,
Holding nothing, hanging on.
Feeling non-existent.
Stuck,
Your feeling gone.

 
One thousand times blind.
See me throw myself to the floor.

I am no stranger to kindness,
I never missed the fist that kissed my face.

I am no stranger to cheapness,
I never came to love the push and shove.

Steal glass eyed cities,
Crack dirty smiles
When they see me.
Open their filthy arms to greet me.
I don’t know if they want to kiss or kill me!

I am one time,
I am right now,
I am whats left.

 
Walking alone down a nameless street.
Dying, Burning, Wanting, Pleading….
You’re eyes that want to cry for me,
Don’t make me want to die for you.
You’re arms that want to wrap around me,
Don’t make me want to hang for you.

 
You’re pleading heart that wants to bleed for me,
Can’t make me think I want or need you.
You tell me you are my friend,
You say that I know you,
I trust you just as far as I can throw you.

 
I know my enemies,
They show themselves to me
With honest eyes.
They hate me,
But at least it’s the truth.

Losing myself again.
Living in a dream again,
Living a lie again.

 
I’ve got to do something,
I’ve got to do it now.
I’ve got to get to something,
But I don’t quite know how.

 
Always keeping busy,
Taking other people’s chances.
I know the question,
But I am too afraid to ask it.

 
Lying to myself again,
Forget my own name again!

 
Look at you,
Looking at me.
All the people who I see,
I wonder what they see
When they look down on me.

 
I tell you that I hate you,
But you know that’s just a lie.

 
Losing my grip again.
Starting to slip again.
Stand in a line again,
Losing my mind again!

One thousand times blind,
See me fall and lose my mind.
Don’t touch me, you will cut yourself.
Don’t find me, you will lose yourself.
Don’t love me, you will hate yourself.
Don’t hold me, you will drop yourself.

 
I reach inside,
I can’t feel myself.
I open my eyes,
I can’t see myself,
I scream out loud,
I can’t hear myself.

 
Feeling dark and cold.
All Alone,
It burns me.
Wish someone
Would come and touch me.

 
Walking alone
Seeing eyes that seem to see me, so hard.

 
Crawling like a snake,
Right back into my room.
Feeling nearly dead, 
Rolling around in my tomb.

Walk into a crowded room
I start to freeze,
Words fall short,
Time to leave.

 
Never happy, Never sad.
Can’t stop looking,
I keep walking,
Place to place.

 
Hearing those sounds
That seem to keep me sane.

 
Reaching out the soul is senseless.
Reaching out the mind is useless.

 
I feel the frustration when I see your eyes.
I am inches away,
But in isolation,
It hurts to try!

 
I reach out my hand,
It turns to stone.
I get up and walk for the door,
But am I better off alone?

MJD 1995  ©

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